How I was betrayed, used, hurt, and traumatized.

Lisa I feel you on the whole breakup thing.
So like, I had a breakup that basically has made my entire life turn upside down, not a romance but a best friend. 

So I have this.. Ex-best friend, lets call them… West. So basically, I met West the summer before 6th grade and we hit it off. They were into the same things I was, we were kindred spirits. 

Seriously though, I had never met someone who I considered as big of a Zelda fan as me. Before long, West became my closest friend. 

I was friends with some of their friends, and one of those said friends was talking bad about me behind my back. West stood up for me, and ended up losing that friendship because of that. After that moment they earned my undying loyalty. 

We also had a sorta first love thing going on, we hung out on valentines day and they gave me a rose and stuff. But that sorta fizzled out at the end of 7th grade and we just stayed friends. 

Anyways, I decided the least I could do was help them. So I basically introduced them to my other friends, let them into the friend group, and let them know I was always there for them. 

They were my best friend. I knew that relationships drifted apart, but I’m not exaggerating when I say I thought we’d be friend for life. 

If I would've told 7th grade me West would betray me, I would have never believed it.

The eighth grade came along, and so did some major life changes. 

They started dressing differently, the were all emo and all the stuff, but I didnt really care, honestly i was chill with it. But then they started talking about really dark, personal things, casually during science class. So I asked them to maybe be a bit more positive, and that we can talk about those things in a different setting…

They told me that was called “toxic positivity.”

Other than that there werent many signs, we still hung out, I still felt like I belonged. 

Then it started gradually showing. When we were in class, I felt left out of the conversations. I thought I was imagining things. I started having issues with another friend, and that took a toll on that specific relationship. Everything felt like it was falling apart. 

Then we had the friend group meeting. 

One of my friends refused to attend, most of them did. They said it was meant to address all the issues in the friend group, a safe space, where no one will get mad. 

So when they started stating the issues, and all of them felt like they were calling me out, I wondered if it was just me being self centered.

Then I stated how i felt left out, ignored, and all that stuff.. And do you know what they did… they got mad at me. 

Another time I went on a trip and they called another meeting, I thought nothing of it until later. 

Because I was on a trip, and they called the meeting the day after I returned. They said it was because they wanted everyone there. I thought it was regular.. But in retrospect I realize another member of the group was absent that day, so why was it called that day specifically. 

I’m not perfect, I make mistakes. I didnt do everything perfectly. Most of the things that they had issues with stems from my different views. The thing is I have autism, my brain works a bit differnet. So whenever i try to explain why I did something, I try and help them understand, so they know I didnt do it because I wanted to hurt them…

But one of my “friends”, lets call them aSShole, they said “see, there it is, you’re just using your autism to make excuses.” 

I’m not going to go into everything that went down, lets just say I didnt realize that West was angry. I knew they were more distant, but we talked, we sat together, we hung out still. .

Then. Out of nowhere, they stopped acknowledging me. 

It wasn’t slow, or gradual, it was sudden. Complete. Just ignoring me completely, as if I didnt exist. 

I was slowly being pushed out of my own friend group. 

Everyone moved tables one day, and didnt tell me, so I just came to luch at an empty table.

Except for one friend, who stayed with me, and was kind to me, and never participated in anything, and even told me that everyone was being a jerk. They’re my best friend right now, and I’m extremely grateful.

Needless to say there was way more drama. So then, we decided to do something, the school had us write letters to one another apologizing for stuff, we made lists of what we were frustrated about, and then would write apology letters to the other. (I know it sounds stupid, but I’m just describing it poorly.”

Anyways, here was my letter, only thing thats changed is the names. 

Dear West,

To be honest, this might be they most difficult thing for  me to write just due to all of the emotions I am feeling. West, you are a person I considered to be my closest friend at one point. I trusted you with my life, and I would like to think that you trusted me too. 

But then things started to change.

We started growing up. You changed, and I panicked. I was scared I was losing my best friend. So i said and did things I shouldn't have. I made you feel like I didn't accept you, and didn't care about you. I made you feel like I disregarded your opinions, and i made you feel like I didn't care. 

Im sorry I hurt you.

I was just scared I was losing my friend. My friend that I could just talk about Zelda with all day. I was scared we would never be able to do that again, and I acted in a way I shouldn't have because didn't want to lose the West I knew. When you started changing the way you dressed, talked, looked, and perceived things, I was scared your emotions would change too. We bonded over our similarities when we became friends, so I worried that now that we were no longer as similar, that you wouldn't want to be my friend. It was stupid. I am so sorry. 

I don't really know what else to say. Other than that I accept you as you are, and I don't care how you dress, how you talk, or what your gender is. All I ever cared about was that you stayed my friend. I want you to know that I care so much about you and you will always have a place in my heart. 

From,

That was my letter, I poured my heart out. Then I got theirs. I braced myself, because I didnt want to automatically forgive them, even though I knew they would. 

I didnt expect a letter like mine, I did expect some effort though. 

But do you know what they said. They said. “I’m sorry I made you feel bad.” at the beginning and that was it. The only apology. Then when they started talking about everything they didnt address what I found hurtful, they kept using the word, we. “I’m sorry WE both didnt do the best.” “WE should be more understanding.” Etc etc. 

And then at the end, they said. “I think it’s best we go our separate ways…

And that was it. 

I cried. A lot. 

Oh gosh I’m tearing up right now just from remembering it. 

If I was to go into everything that went down after that it would be too long, so I’ll just summarize. 

I knew that their mental health wasnt the best, so I backed off. But the thing is, they didnt care. They sat with our friends, they acted like I didnt exist, and one of the other friends who I sort of repaired the relationship with, told me that West really doesnt care about me. They were honest. 

And that hurt. 

It still hurts. 

Nothing hurt as much as this. 

A person who I trusted with my life discarded me. 

It feels like they used me, because the second they solidified their place in the group, they basically discarded me. 

There is one song, that when I first heard it I burst into sobs. 

This song is a song that has changed my life. It’s the reason I became a Olivia Rodrigo fan, and that song is called “the grudge” Every single line of that song is EXACTLY how I feel, and I mean, THE ENTIRE SONG. 

So to let you know what I feel like, listen to that song. 

But I think I have genuinely been traumatized by this, because now I have trouble trusting people. I used to be completely trusting, now I overthink EVERY SINGLE LAST THING thinking “Is that person going to betray me too?” “Did that sound rude” “Are they being passive aggressive with me?” “Are they faking” and so much more. Basic interaction that I could've done all day have become draining.

I’m not the same. 

I know its “just a friend breakup” But to me, it was so much more. West was the first person who made me feel like I was understood, and they just abandoned me. 

So Lisa… I feel you, I feel you on the whole betrayal and hurt, and loneliness. And to everyone else who has felt that, I’m so sorry, and I know how it feels to be abandoned by someone you thought you could trust.