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I love dark humor :D
Note: I know I shouldn't be laughing at a lot of these but wtvr
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.
My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then, I remembered why I was digging in our garden
When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details, and we can drop them off tomorrow.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.
“I'm sorry” and “I apologize”mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.
I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.
They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. “Are you still holding the ladder?”
Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.
Give a person a plane ticket and they’ll fly for the day. Push them out of the plane in mid-flight, and they’ll fly for the rest of their life.
My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
I told my wife that she should embrace her mistakes. So, she gave me a hug.
We always treat our father like a god. We ignore him until we need something.
I took my family skydiving. I should have given them parachutes.
My wife is mad that I ruined our anniversary. I’m not sure how; I didn’t even know it was today.
My family is like a software update. Every time I see them, I think, “not now.”
Wife: “I’m pregnant.” Husband: “Hi pregnant, I’m dad.” Wife: “No, you’re not.”
I was drinking a martini when the waitress screamed, “Does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet,” and we all laughed and laughed—well, except one person.
Son: “Hey, Dad, did you get the DNA test results back?” Dad: “Call me, Steve.”
I’ll never forget my dad’s last words, “Erase my search history, son.”
What did the cow say to the leather chair? “Hi, Mom!”
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So, I unplugged his life support.